At some point I stopped loving who I was when I stayed the same so I started thinking of myself as constantly transient. In every moment, I’ve decided, I can choose to be anyone I want to be, and I can be fabulous. I often picture my energy as a spark radiating out of body, and with this new mindset, I’m constantly dancing and flaring and flirting with life. In each moment, I am radiant.
But I can’t stay radiant in every moment and it’s starting to feel like a lie. Sure, I’m more sociable and people seem to like me more to start with, but the connection doesn’t last. They have a fantastic night and I make them feel good about themselves and then the next morning they wake and maybe they remember that cool girl they met at the bar last night and respect me, but they don’t text me back and they don’t invite me to their get-together the next weekend.
I am not temporary. I am in this world for the long haul and I need to stop checking out of it. I keep treating myself like a tourist in my own city, with my mind always on the move. If I’m not trying to make lasting connections, then they sure won’t happen.
I’m not sure what I’m afraid will happen– that no one will want to be good friends with me? or stick around? or not break my heart? I act like I love taking risks and sure I’ve taken a bunch lately but the show is over and I’m not too keen to keep sharing fake fluorescent lights with people who don’t care.
I think the real risk I need to take here is taking a step back and evaluating what it is I really want, and what’s stopping me. I am more than a moment, I am worth more than a night, and I am brave enough to figure this out.
I’m afraid that if I’m not fun, or I’m not crazy, or I’m not special, that nobody will want to meet me. That, like before, nobody will come introduce themselves into my life and I’ll be alone without meaningful connections again. But, when I think about it, I still haven’t found the perfect crowd and meaningful connections I’m looking for.
I guess it’s back to the drawing board, and the drawing board’s scary.